Turkish Food in Lutenblag

Lutenblag, the Molvanian capital, offers every kind of food imaginable (and then some non-imaginable)!

Whether you have a craving for pizza, pasta or guts, you can be sure to find a restaurant, trattoria or garbage bin to satisfy your needs.

Recently Lutenblag has been swamped with "Turkish-style" eateries. All staff wears turbands and big moustaches, and the food is just as colourful and sweaty as the waiters.

Some Turkish specialities are well-known to the seasoned traveller: Döner Kebap, Sis Kebap and Kebap Kebap.

But others have been "molvanizised" and taste differently than the traditional Döner.

For example the Döner Tabak: This Döner comes with a juicy stuffing of tobacco leaves, and 12 other secret ingredients, of which nicotine, tar and ammoniak are the most secretive of them all.

Another favourite with addicts is the Izgara Köfte, which are cigarillos stuffed with meatballs in a mint sauce. If you are adventurous, you can ask for the Izgara Ogien Uwaga Köfte. This variation is drenched in Strumz (parsnip vodka) and can be lit like a real cigar. Not for the faint-hearted or those with beard, moustache or eyebrows.

And according to The Lonely Planet guide, Lahmacun is made of real lama, but we have our doubts.

A Quick Guide to Molvanian Delicacies

Molvania is famous for its rich variety of culinary delicacies, especially when it comes to colour. We have food in all colours, ranging from succulent red to peppery green over repungent grey and tasty white.

On the picture you will find some molvanian delicacies, from left to right:

* Juhe: something that closely resembles soup : a thick broth of water, parsnip and animal fat. Depending on the area (and the price) it may also contain fish or meat (or both)

* tortilje/zavatki: a truly Molvanian speciality, these are stuffed water tortoises. Stuffings include pickle, tortoise, spam and bacon strips. Just put your teeth around the tortoise shell and start sucking away

* sendvici: a delicacy that can only be found in Molvania : toasted bread with some meat in the middle. A clever invention by Lord Sendvic in 1976 when playing golf in the Great Molvanian plains. The British and Americans have tried to copy it, but failed dismally

* solatni jedi: litteraly translated "Jedi's salad", it is a meal typically prepared for members of the religious Jedi order. Since these monks have sworn total abstinence, the bowls are often served empty.

* ocvrte jedi: another delicious Jedi meal, consisting of an empty frying pan that was used for cooking eggs. With a bit of luck there is still some egg yolk sticking to the bottom.

* sladice : it looks like a cake with a cherry on top. And that is exactly what you will get. Fillings include pickle, horse radish (with real horse pieces) or turnips

* svezi sokovi : vegetarian drinks made from vegetable-like ingredients. May contain traces of nuts, fiber, hair and pickle.

* sadni cocktailli : Molvanian cocktails don't have a big reputation, but that is a pity. One of the greatest experiences is drinking a glass of Strumz (parsnip vodka) mixed with some other alcoholic beverage. Guaranteed to open up parties.

* Caji & Kave : not to be mistaken with ordinary tea and coffee, these hot beverages need an acquired taste. The taste of tobacco and sawdust for example.

Welcome to the Hotel California

Hotel California, located in the high mountains of the Postenwalj range, consists of 88 rustic and traditional "Kabinja".

Equiped with the most modern amenities any foreign tourist needs, these luxury cabins are made from railway wagons that were abandoned by Germans after the Second World War.

Special services include :
- an outdoor toilet
- running cold water (from a bucket)
- first-aid kit (rabies shots, mosquito-repellent, shotgun)
- assorted tins (baked beans, spam, sausage, spam, corned beef, spam)

A nice detail : the hotel is called Hotel California because of the lyrics of the same song by the Eagles, and many items are available at no extra charge:

- "The pink champagne on ice"
- "Plenty of room at the Hotel California
- Any time of year"
and of course:
"You can check-out any time you like, - But you can never leave"

The management would like to stress that not all the lyrics are available at Hotel California.

For example :
"On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air"
are very unlikely to occur in the Postenwalj mountain range.

Public Restrooms in Molvania

An example of our most common outdoor toilets, which can be found on streetcorners, near churches and in some supermarkets.

Many tourists make mistakes when using them, so for their benefit this simple rule :
"Fekaal" is for sitting on top,
"Pilss" for standing (also women)

Some German tourists mistook the "Pilss" toilet for a beer stall, but they will never make that mistake again.

Otziplotz Tapioca Fields

A picture of the famous Otziplotz Tapioca Fields.

Molvania is one of the biggest producers of tapioca (dried cassava roots) in Eastern Europe. In one year Molvania collects enough tapioca to feed a whole village for a week! This may not seem a lot, but we LOVE tapioca. Tapioca soup, tapioca desserts, even tapioca cocktails are highly demanded.

In the background you can see the factory that dries and extracts the tapioca from the cassava or manioc roots.

The Molvanian tapioca fields is one of the wonders of modern Europe. There were many who though wet and cold Molvania was insane to try and base their economy on a tropical plant. Well I guess Molvania has shown their critics whose the insane ones!

Recipe for Horsflab, a local Molvanian dish

Molvanians love eating out- preferably in France or Germany- but those dining within the borders of this unique country will find it a vibrant and exciting culinary experience.

Only in Molvania can one sample for example such traditional fare as horsflab, the local pickled meat, washed down with a glass of zeerstum, a licqeur described as tasting like a mixture of vodka and tar - quite understandable as both are common ingredients.

If you want to try it yourself, here is a tried-and-tested (and slightly failed) recipe for Horsflab, Lutenblag-style.

Ingredients :

- fermented horsemeat or better donkeymeat. The older the donkey, the better.
- onions
- potatoes
- chickpeas
- Zeerstum
- gallbladder (either from a pony or a dog, but NEVER from a Chihuahua because they are too small)

How to ferment your donkey? Just put the raw meat and wrap it in dung (obviously the donkey's dung, but any type of dung can be used). After 2 or 3 weeks the donkey starts to smell of industrial strength ammonia, and then it is ready.

Cooking instructions:

- put on a diving mask or ski mask
- put all ingredients together in a big kettle (not to be re-used afterwards)
- Cook for 2 hours, boil for 4 hours, steam for 25 minutes
- Serve with a glass of zeerstum and decorate with a funny-shaped pickle.

By the way, the texture is also particularly "challenging", a double whammy of gristle and mush. The pieces are served at a size that requires several gut churning seconds of chewing before they can be swallowed. I (barely) made it through three pieces of this before I noticed that none of my Molvanian hosts were eating! After I realized I didn't need to eat any more of the foul creation, they all admitted shock that I went back for a second and third piece. Liberal quantities of sweet potato wine helped to rinse away the taste memory.

South Molvanian Swimming Rules

Going for a swim in one of the many beautiful lakes of Molvania is an adventure you will not easily forget. Apart from the usual precautions (Sunblocker Factor 85, anti-shark repellant, chlorine tablets, G-string,...) you should also follow the strict Molvanian Swimming Rules, which are valid in public swimming pools, in rivers, lakes, creeks, fjords, puddles and most private bathrooms.

translated they go as follows (note the triple negative which is a typical Molvanian grammatical challenge):

"it is mostly not strictly authorized to not go for bathing on unsupervised areas of aquatical fun & frolics. Should you not refrain from not following this advice, you may not be surprised when apprehended by the local police force who will not continue to not beat you and put you in a cell with a criminal of their choice"